"Unconditional Love "
by Todd Ferrell

Basically, I grew up in your everyday normal family. I lived with both of my parents and my sister who is three years older than myself. My sister was born in 1963 while my father was finishing his college education at Evangelical College in Springfield, Missouri. My father was going to school to be a Minister of Music in the Assemblies of God denomination. My mother's father was already Pastoring an Assemblies of God church in St. Louis at this time. In 1966 I came on the scene in St. Louis, Missouri. Our family attended church every time the doors were open. I can't say that it was something I hated, but it was something expected so I never questioned it. I assumed everyone in the world got up on Sunday and went to church.

After a brief one year stay in a small town in Southeast Missouri around 1968-69, my family moved to Dallas, Texas where my father got a position as Minister of Music at an Assembly of God church. He didn't last long there, because he got tired of all the political garbage that went on in the church. Therefore, we moved to another home in the same town and my father became Minister of Music at a different A/G church. That lasted only about a year also.

My father then entered Mortuary School in Dallas and then left the Ministry full-time to become a funeral director. When I reached 3rd Grade, we moved to Benton, Kentucky where my father worked in a funeral home there. It was here we experienced our first exposure to a Charismatic Church. We stayed there for 3 years, until my father relocated back to St. Louis to work for another funeral home. He worked for them for about 2-3 years before he finally got tired of being on call 24 hours a day and never getting to see his family. He left the funeral business and went to work for the telephone company, where he has been ever since. The on-going joke has been that he went from burying people to burying telephone poles.

I became aware of certain things (sexually) at around age 6 or 7. I don't know exactly how I got to know these things because TV was censored, and we only attended G Rated movies. But it is very apparent to me that I knew about sex at that age in my life. This awareness and discovery continued privately on my own for the rest of my childhood and even adult life. I don't know why, but there seemed to be something in me that caused me to be a sexual person at an early age. I definitely know this was not something I learned, because of my home life, but rather was something I search outside the home to learn about. At age 6 or 7 I was already having fantasies about my male friends and even some contact with them. This remained my secret. At this age in my life I didn't know it was called gay, I didn't call it anything. I did, however, know that this would not be acceptable to my family if they found out, so I hid it from them.

As I grew up I had girlfriends, because that is what you are supposed to have. There is a great deal of pressure to have a girlfriend. I had many and my sexual intrigue continued on with them. I wouldn't say that I was bisexual at this point, I think I merely was acting out what I felt was the "social norm" for a Christian young man. (Not that fooling around was acceptable, but being straight was) One thing I have always found very strange about the A/G people is that when a kid is young, all the older men in the church bug you about, "Do you have a girlfriend?". There is so much pressure to fit in, yet the A/G's are so adamant against pre-marital sex. Funny huh?

My family is a musical family and we all have participated in one form of music or another. My mother sings, my father sings and plays the piano/organ, my sister played the clarinet in the marching band, and I played the trumpet in the band and play the piano and sing today. I stayed involved in the music and band while in school. I've never been the type to participate in sports, but enjoy watching sports, especially the Dallas Cowboys! Anyway, throughout Junior High and High School most of my friends were girls. I wouldn't say they were a cover for me, because I cared for them and still do, but my attractions were for other guys. I didn't look at the girls the way I did the guys. I would look at one guy in High School and would melt at his cute dimples in his smile and wish I could be with him rather than the cheerleader who was wrapped up in his arms at the school dances. I was very closeted growing up. I didn't initiate anything or advance on anyone. I would wait for them to make the first move then would react. I behaved in some pretty unbecoming manners growing up. I was a very inquisitive person. Always wanting to know more about being with guys. (Again, this was before I knew it to be called "gay") It seemed that even when I wasn't trying, I would find myself in situations that would lead to "an encounter" with a male. I would go to the bathroom at the mall and be approached, I was approached by a guy at a church camp, I was approached by friends of the family, and many other situations. All this was going on in my private world. "I can't talk to my family about this", I said to myself. "They won't understand and they will probably freak out and make me do something more religious." So, I kept my secrets to myself, and hid myself in the loving arms of Christ through the vehicle of Contemporary Christian Music and people like Amy Grant and Michael W. Smith.

Upon graduating from High School in St. Louis, I went to college at University of Missouri-St. Louis. I got involved in the music department because I dreamed of using my music abilities to glorify God. I wanted to be a Contemporary Christian Singer. Both my parents encouraged me not to pursue that road because of the struggle they had gone through. So, I decided to get a Business Degree. I figured, you can do anything if you have one of those. So, that is what I did. It was during College that I came out. There were several people in the choir that were openly gay. They were my first one-on-one exposure to openly gay people. I felt really connected to them, but at the same time knew they weren't living their lives for Christ, so I felt I had to be careful how much time I spent with them or else my Christian friends in the Choir would figure me out. In college I came out to my gay friends, but not to my Christian friends. I retreated from my Christian world for awhile and started going to the gay bars dancing and just having fun. It was at a gay bar that I had my first mixed drink. A Fuzzy Navel ( It's funny how conservative I was in some areas of my life, but in other areas I seemed to be living on the edge).

It was during this time, in the later part of my years in college, that I began to think about my dream to be a Christian Singer. I had left my grandfather's church because there were no longer any young people left. I began attending a large Charismatic Church that had 5,000 people in it. They had their own TV program, music recording label, and they had the most awesome Praise and Worship music I'd ever heard. (You have to remember, the Assemblies got into Praise and Worship much later and some still haven't.) I absolutely felt I was home! I would come home from church dancing and singing. I would go over all the songs we were doing for my dad. I could tell by the look on his face he knew I was happy and he was glad I was at that church. (He and my mom continued to attend my grandfather's church.) I got really involved in the Charismatic church. I did a summer intern in the Marketing Department of the Church's Music Label during my Junior year of school. During this one year of commitment, I decided that this was it, I was finally going to be able to conquer this Homosexuality. I had never been so prayed up in all my life. That experience was the best experience ever. Only one thing, I was still gay. I repressed it and basically didn't think about it or act out on it. I wouldn't say I became straight, but I would say I became asexual for one year. One day I just didn't call any of my 'old friends' back anymore. My life became completely sold out to this work I was doing at the church.

At the end of my intern the Assistant Pastor, that was my boss, took me out to lunch. As we sat there eating, I confessed to him that I felt as though I may be gay. To my absolute astonishment, he didn't blink, flinch, squirm, nothing. He proceeded to tell me that he has heard some people translate the verse where Paul talks about, "having a thorn in his flesh" as though he might have been gay. After reading that passage some more, I don't agree, but the point is that I wasn't condemned, I was loved unconditionally. I wasn't told to get my act together or get out. I was treated as if it were no big deal. And I know today it is no big deal. Sure it is to many in the Religious Right, but the only Religious Right that I know is RIGHT is God, and He created me to be the person I am and because I have given Him my life, He will do the changing in me that is necessary. I can't and shouldn't try to do it on my own. I tried for too many years to change myself, but God has a purpose for me being here and my part is to make myself available to Him. A few weeks after this luncheon, I was driving down Highway 270 in St. Louis listening to my Contemporary Christian Radio Station (WCBW) and I was praying. I was pouring my heart out to God. I told Him how I had prayed before, I had fasted, I had done all the 'things' the church had told me to do and nothing was changing me. My attraction for men was still there. And in my spirit God spoke to me and said, "Todd, I love you! I love you just as you are. I've created you and I have a purpose for your life. If you will continue to follow me and keep your eyes on me, I will use you one day" At first I questioned this. I thought that had to be me talking to myself, subconsciously.

So I started examining myself internally. But the voice I heard came through my chest, not my ears or my head. It was as if God were speaking directly into my heart.

Although I knew I had heard from God, it still took me 2-3 years to finally come to accept myself as a gay male. The hardest part for me was Spiritually. I had always been led to believe that I would go to hell if I were gay. I withdrew from the Christianity that I grew up on because I didn't see it being able to work together with my homosexual side, but today realize that was a lie of the enemy.

In 1988, two months before I finished college, my parents were transferred to San Antonio, TX. It was during the time while still in St. Louis that my folks found out about my sexuality.

That came about when the Names Quilt came to St. Louis and I went to see it. It made an enormous impact on my life. As I walked around looking at all the panels I saw people, not fabric. I saw the personalities of people and the love that their friends had for them. It was as if I was looking on if I was looking on thousands of people laying and hanging there. I remember one particular panel of a guy who was a Pan American flight attendant. His picture was affixed to the panel. He was a very good-looking fellow. As I stood there, something inside of me clicked and I just broke down crying. I didn't know this person, but I felt as if I did. Somehow right there we connected. That evening I was speaking to my sister who lived in Dallas about going to the exhibit. She started crying. She asked me if I had AIDS. I started crying too and told her no I didn't but I was gay. I have to laugh now. She kept insisting that I had AIDS. But I kept insisting that I didn't. After speaking with her she called mom and dad and told them.

Basically, the family didn't talk about it for about two years after that. Dad would talk to me about it and mom had many questions, but she felt uncomfortable, I guess, in talking to me about it. Mom went through the usual feeling of loss, it being her fault, depression, etc... I had read many books on coming out prior to this happening, so I knew her feelings were not unusual. Dad would tell me she had a lot of questions, and would encourage her to talk to me about it, however, I think it was too difficult for her and so she tried to use him to get the information.

I never pushed my parents to accept me. I knew it was difficult for them to accept and knew that the hardest part was going to be the spiritual side to it all. I let them take it on their own time. I wrote them a letter and told them I knew they loved and cared for me and when/if ever they had questions they could come to me. It took mom and dad about 2 years to finally accept it. I know there are still things they don't understand today, but that is OK. There unconditional love is what I have and that is worth it all.

I lived with mom and dad in San Antonio for one year prior to being relocated to San Francisco with Marriott Corporation. During that time I really was away from the Lord. I didn't like the church my parents were going to because I felt the people were a bit phony. My mom and dad tried to get me involved in the young people's ministry there, but I had no interest. Basically my life was working and going out dancing on the weekend. I remember mom used to come into my room in the mornings and bend down and kiss the top of my head. As she would kiss, she would take a deep sniff to see if my hair smelled like cigarette smoke. I didn't smoke, but she knew that smell meant I'd been out dancing. I'm sure I gave mom several gray hairs during that time in my life.

In 1989, two weeks prior to the earthquake, I moved to San Francisco. I still was not involved with church and I remember my mom asking me each week if I had gone to church the Sunday before. I tried the Assembly of God Church here, but felt like I was on pins and needles. I had accepted myself as a gay man, but knew they would not. I began going to a catholic church's 10:00 am mass because they had a chamber choir which reminded me of the choir I had been in during college. Coming from my Charismatic/Evangelical background this was a big difference. The experience at the Catholic church was good for me because it allowed me to pray to God and not feel like I was being looked at or judged. I slipped in and out and never had to talk to anyone other than give a few, "peace be with you's".

In 1991 things really began to change in my life spiritually. The founders of Exodus International (Gary Cooper and Michael Bussey) were speaking at a local MCC church about their experience in this ex-gay ministry and how they were out of it now. I had received literature about this group while living in St. Louis and thought I would go and hear what they had to say about it. The event was very good and the next day I contemplated whether to go back for church or not. I had experienced some negative things at several MCC's before and was expecting the worst, but I did go. I found a group within the church that were on fire and hungry for the Lord. This was very exciting to me They were telling me about this conference that they were going to in Phoenix called TEN (The Evangelical Network).

It was too late for me to go that year, but I loved the stories that they spoke of when they came back. Many talked about the church down there, Casa de Cristo Evangelical Church, and how much they loved it.

A few months after that, I went back to San Antonio to pick up my car from my parents home. I planned my trip back so that I would hit Phoenix on Wednesday and could go to their evening service. I remember a friend of mine, Bill Byrd, hooking me up with a guy by the name of Jose Sanchez to stay with. Upon contacting Jose, I found out he was going to be out of town in San Francisco. Although he offered me his place to stay at, I declined because I felt uncomfortable staying at someone's home without them there. Instead, Ron Johnson, a wonderful brother in Christ, contacted me and offered me a coupon he had received for a free night at the Days Inn right down from the church. I still remember getting lost coming into town and Ron meeting me at the Circle K by the Airport and helping me get to where I needed to be.

That evening I attended the service and was just thrilled that I had found people who loved the Lord and were gay/lesbian Christians. This was all so exciting. I did a lot of crying the rest of the way to San Francisco. Not because of being sad, but because of being happy. It was one of those experiences where Christ confirmed His presence in my life.

When I arrived back to San Francisco I met Bill Byrd's friend, Jose Sanchez. He was a nice and fun guy. We exchanged telephone numbers in order to stay in contact with each other for fellowship.

A few months after getting back, a group of us in the MCC church asked the pastor if we could start a more intensive Bible Study. The pastor agreed and we met for some time.

But one day we ran into a snag when a bit of the flesh entered the group and some were getting ideas that they might want to take this group and start a church. Although most of us weren't happy with the way some of the things were going at the MCC, most of us weren't interested in sneaking around like that. The pastor caught wind of it and basically we were locked out of the place we had been meeting. We took that as if we were no longer welcomed, and continued holding bible study in people's home.

We were praying about God's direction in our lives. In October of 1991, the weekend of the tragic Oakland fires, the pastor of Casa de Cristo and about eight others from his church flew up to San Francisco to help us lay the ground work of becoming a church.

From 1991 to 1994 was a very difficult time for us. God had placed in us a vision to reach gay and lesbians who came from a more Charismatic/Evangelical background. Not everyone in the group shared that vision and so we had many people leave. As of November 1993 we were down to 2 people, Bill Byrd and myself. We just wanted to throw our hands up in the air, but God would not allow us to do that. There was another church in town at that time, which was more Pentecostal in style. They too were struggling. As of the first Sunday of 1994 the two churches merged together into what is now Freedom in Christ Evangelical Church of San Francisco.

We had a pastor for eight months, until August 1994. After he left the church we went from a pastor led church to a board of elders led church. This was due primarily because there were no candidates seeking the pastors position. It actually has worked very well because each elder brings gifts and talents that the others don't necessarily possess.

I will have to tell you, it has been very difficult, but we are currently seeing God move in a mighty way in the church. We all have been stretched and purged by God so many times over it's just amazing. I still remember back on that Highway in St. Louis where God told me if I would keep my eyes on Him He would use me one day. Right now I feel is that time. I feel this is what God was talking about. I am blessed to be part of God's work in bringing sheep unto Him.

In 1992, one year of getting to know each other over the telephone, Jose Sanchez and I entered into a relationship together. I still remember calling my dad and telling him that I had found a mate. He told me he had been praying that God would send me a mate, although that wasn't what he had in mind. I then told him along with this mate came two children. Dad then proceeded in telling me he had also been praying that God would give him some grandkids in California. Although that wasn't what he had in mind either, he accepted Jose, Jose Jr., Frankie, and myself with loving and open arms.

Our pastor had been on the TEN council up until his resignation in 1994. At that time I stepped in to fill his term and was then elected to continue on after that. I have been involved with The Evangelical Network since that point and in February 1997 was elected to serve as the President of the Network. I am truly humbled by the decision of my peers to fill this position. In many ways I have felt so inadequate for the position, but have received so much encouragement from those within the organization. I think back to a time I spent in prayer with God one night while swimming alone in the pool at my apartment complex. I looked up and the sky was filled with stars. I told God I wanted to be nothing more than a vessel that He could use. I asked Him to give me that desire and heart to serve Him and I told Him I would do that in whatever capacity He chose. I'm blown away and truly humbled at the doors He has opened for me to minister and I never want to lose that attitude.

Most of my family know about my life now, not that all accept it. But that is OK, because my life I live for Christ not for anyone here on earth. I don't expect some to understand or accept, I realize that is just how some people are going to be. But I praise God that I have the peace to accept them and love them where they are at, acceptance or not.

This letter is my testimony. I hope that in some way it has helped you get to know me and also helped you see how God is working in the lives of His gay/lesbian Children. This letter doesn't end here, but it will continue to grow as God continues to give me life .

God Bless You...Todd Ferrell
Connect with Todd @ The Evangelical Network
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