Free To Be Me

The last time I wrote my testimony was in 2002- I was a married stay-at-home mom with four children aged 1-6. I was struggling tremendously and needed to share it with someone. I chose my Bible study leader at church. I shared about my sexuality and how difficult it was to deal with and how I always felt like I was barely hanging on. I thought maybe I was sharing my walk for the benefit of others, but my leader just smiled, gave me a pat on the back and never mentioned it again. God has always whispered to me that He was going to use my journey to help others- I never knew what realm that would be in- the ex-gay ministry, a “married to a gay person” type ministry, or a gay Christian ministry- I just knew He was allowing my struggle for a reason. I didn’t like it much, but I wanted to trust Him and lead me wherever I needed to go. Here is my story:

July 24, 1969- I came into the world one of God’s perfect creations and somewhere soon thereafter became the world’s greatest people pleaser. I wanted to make everyone happy by the things I did and how well I behaved. I was one of five children and this method was definitely my ticket to being noticed- that and my athletic prowess-which definitely pleased my father. I was known as “the golden child” by my siblings and though they were not quite as cruel as Joseph’s brothers, I was constantly reminded how different I was from them. They were beauty queens and I was their sweaty little sister who hated taking showers :)

As I got older, I really did begin to notice I was different from them. I wanted to be friends with boys and was more interested in throwing a football farther than them then kissing them. But nevertheless, I always had a boyfriend. The moment I realized I was gay, I was 15 and had more than your average crush on a coach at my school. We were very close. The physical boundaries were never broken, but the emotional ones were for sure. She was asked to leave my school because of it and never told me why- she just left. I was angry and hurt and was for many years to come.

I dated the same boy in high school and into my freshman year of college. Of course I maintained my physical boundaries with him on the premise of sexual purity, never admitting that it was because I had no desire. That desire came my freshman year when I saw my first “love” and it was intense. Ironically, it was also the year I was baptized. I grew up Catholic but never really knew who God was- I just knew I loved Him and enjoyed talking to him every night before I went to sleep. I got involved in the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and it was there that I discovered what a relationship with Christ was all about. It was an awesome time- I was a Division I basketball player at a great school, I had a great boyfriend…and a girlfriend- not really all that pleasing to God I decided, so I tried really hard to get rid of the girlfriend- it only took me two years, a lot of Christian counseling, an engagement and a wedding to do it- oh, and I had to move 2000 miles away. There! Problem solved! I was a mess but I had been honest with my fiancé, now husband and I had done what my family and counselor said to do so God would heal me- I even went to an ex-gay Bible study and group before I married to ensure that I had all the tools I needed to survive being a wife. I just knew God would change me. Now all I had to do was wait, pray and continue on my chosen path and things would get better. I even attempted to reach out to the church I was going to by writing a letter and offering support to anyone they knew who struggled. I wanted God to use me so bad….but I wasn’t ready.

My attraction to women did not go away those first few years of marriage. I would call my mom every so often crying out that I couldn’t do it and wanted to come home. I loved my husband- we were best friends-but the physical relationship was so hard for me. I resigned myself as “the good wife” whose purpose was to meet his needs and make him happy and I did a great job- so good, he never knew I was dying inside. I believed I was doing all of it for God and in my heart I really was. I had promised to love my husband and committed my life to him so I was stuck and was going to enjoy life. I went to graduate school, made great friends and maintained my role. I felt like I was living someone else’s life but at least I was 100% sure I was right with God, or so it seemed.

Next came a child- and another-and another-and another. I never saw myself as a mom but that changed very quickly. They were the greatest gifts God could have ever given me out of my marriage. We decided that I would stay home with them and I did for 10 years- then came the crisis.

I needed to get over the anger and hurt that my relationship with the coach in high school had left. I thought that maybe dealing with it would take away some of my pain and struggle. I prayed and prayed about it. I heard God whisper it would change my life, but I had no idea how. I wrote a letter with no return address but she found me….and I lost me… both at the same time. Those years were a blur. The feelings were so intense that they made me sick-literally and figuratively. I begged God to take them away. My marriage crumbled. We went to counseling. I needed forgiveness from my husband, but instead I got anger and rejection. He had no idea I was still struggling. Unfortunately, two years of emotional and verbal abuse ensued and I decided that it was best for us to leave our home. Shortly thereafter my life became even more overwhelming. I lost my father-my best friend and protector -to esophageal cancer within 5 weeks of his diagnosis, had two ankle surgeries, went through ovarian cancer with my closest friend and had to go to work after 10 years at home with my kids. My faith was challenged to say the least, but ultimately He was all I had to hold onto and I held on for dear life. My life was a mess- a lot of it my doing and I had no idea how I was going to get through it.

After two years of separation and thousands of dollars in counseling, my husband and I finally decided to divorce- he couldn’t live with someone who didn’t want him sexually and I couldn’t change how I felt sexually- we were at an impasse and it was horrible. We managed to keep the reason why from our kids- they just knew we had issues we couldn’t resolve. It broke all of our hearts. He still isn’t ok with me- he made sure our decree included a clause that forbids me from sharing my home with anyone of “romantic interest.” I was ok with that because maybe that is what is best for my kids under the circumstances. I don’t want to make a hard situation even harder. I have dated and enjoyed relatively good relationships but they were not Christ-centered. I have decided to wait for the person that shares my faith and my desire for purity.

I would describe my family as loving but not necessarily supportive. They have accepted my sexuality but see it more as a temptation than a part of who I am. I don’t know if they will ever believe it is okay to share my life with a woman, but I have finally let go of making decisions based on their acceptance- and it only took me 40 years!

Because God never abandoned me and would never let go of my heart, I have finally been able to quit telling Him He made a mistake when He didn’t take away my struggle or when He didn’t fix my marriage. It has been a long road full of heartache and pain, but God has brought me full circle. I can finally thank Him for what I have been through. He loves me and accepts me just as I am. I am reminded of a Third Day song when I think about the moment I finally surrendered control of my life to Him- with all of my failures, my sin, my imperfections and my deceptions…

“Today I found myself,
After searching all these years,
And the man that I saw,
He wasn't at all who I'd thought He'd be,

I was lost when You found me here,
And I was broken beyond repair,
Then You came along and sang Your song over me

It feels like I'm born again
It feels like I'm living
For the very first time
For the very first time,
In my life

Make a promise to me now,
Reassure my heart somehow,
That the love that I feel,
is so much more real than anything
I've a feeling in my soul,
And I pray that I'm not wrong,
That the life I have now,
It is only the beginning…”

Because of God’s incredible faithfulness, mercy and grace, I am finally FREE TO BE ME!